I didn't think it would be this hard.

I really had no idea how hard it would be to leave my child.  You don't really think about it when you're pregnant because you haven't yet seen their face.  All you know is your own life, how you've lived it, and how you THINK you will continue to live it.  I honestly believed I would have a baby, and be ready to go back to my routine of job, home, horses, concerts, sporting events, and whatever else I felt like doing.  It didn't even register for me after he was born how hard it would be to leave him.  All you can think of is how long your little staycation will be and all of this time you have to do all of these little projects you have always wanted to start or finish.
Then it hit me.  Mid May it really hit me that I would have to find someone to trust and care for this baby I had come to know so well.  I'm the one with him all of the time.  I know all of his quirks.  I can usually pin point the reason for a cry.  I know how he likes to lay when he eats.  I know he likes to be held tight and rocked at a fast pace.  I know he sleeps better with a cotton blanket rather than something fleece. (The child sweats like his father unless it's at a steady 68 degrees or cooler in our house.)  I know he usually has a bowel movement mid afternoon and that each feeding's formula has to be switched out as to not make his stomache upset.  I know that if I want to have a conversation with him, he is most inclined to talk with me in the middle of a diaper change.  All of these things (including many more) made me feel like no one is going to be able to do things the way I do.
I struggled terribly while looking for someone that may be able to come to our house and keep him.  All sitters were WAY too expensive.  There was no way Alan and I could pay $2000/month for someone to come to our home.  Not to mention, the people I had talked to were strangers to me.  Would they be nice to him?  Would they console him when he was upset, or lay on the couch until the next commercial and then give him some attention?  Would they leave with him and never come back?  Should I take their keys every day when I left??? LOL, yes I laugh now, but these were actually the things going through my head.  I wAs CrAzY!  And giving myself an ulcer to boot.
As we approached the date of my return to work, I found myself sitting and thinking "what can I do from home so I don't have to go back to work?"  I can't sew, or create web sites, or make sales calls.  After much discussion with Alan, the brutal truth was I had to do it.  I had to go back.
After a hurried search and much help from friends, we finally found a college girl that I had known all of my life to stay with him to mid summer.  Then, back to square one in the search for dependable care.  After much prayer, I finally got a call from Grace Crossing Academy that they had room for him.  I was so elated to know he was going to be in good hands.  It is still out of home day care, but it has turned out to be the best I have found and feel comfortable leaving him there.  He starts in July and I pray he feels just as content as I feel leaving him there.
The whole point of this entry is that I really never thought I would have any of these feelings or worries.  I always thought the women were stupid that mentioned they cried when their baby received their first round of shots.  When that day came for me, I was holding back the tears as I drove him home and called Alan to bring home some baby Tylenol.  I'm one of those stupid women.  As an adult pre Tate, I never knew I could hurt, worry, and be totally consumed with a kiddo the way I am now.  I rush home to see him everyday.  My old running buddies at work don't even invite me to happy hour anymore because they know all I want to do is go home and hold my baby.  Who knew I would ever pass up a Lone Star Light, a juke box and some good friends for rush hour traffic just so I could get 30 more minutes in my day with a 3 month old?!
I do believe as time goes on and my life gets back to a routine it will be easier. I know he is in good hands.  I know I'm not the only one that "knows how to do it."  I know to quote my mother, "it's harder on the mama than it is on the baby."  But I also know he has changed my life forever and I just want to be there for every moment to soak it all up.

March 10, 2012

This date forever changed my life, my thinking, my love, my outlook.  Tate Anderson Bass was born. 

Now since it has obviously been a while since I have updated my blog, let me fill in the blanks:

The last time I had seen my docotor she told me she thought I would not make it to my due date of March 11.  I was excited to hear that because I had been told he was healthy and I was so anxious to finally see him.  So, the anticipation began.  I continued to work and my normal routine.  As it was time for the rodeo to kick off, I was working really late hours and some weekends.  The morning of February 19, I got up early to go to Reliant Center to coordinate a School Art contest.  I secretly packed an overnight bag in hopes I would go into labor and have him on that day so that he might share a birthday with my Papaw.  It didn't work out that way.

I pressed on and got all of my display areas set up for the rodeo.  I even got on a forklift once or twice while we prepared to open.  I packed my things and moved into the hotel room that was the same distance from Reliant Stadium as it was from Texas Womens Hospital where I was due to deliver.  I made it through intern orientation, numerous horticulture contests, the school art awards ceremony, Ag4U Day, and the Floriculture Face Off.  All of which required countless hours of work and time.  But I could see the light at the end of the tunnel as my doctor had planned to induce labor on March 10.  I still hoped something would happen before then.

Alan's parents came to Houston on March 8.  It was good to visit with them and have some dinner away from the Show grounds as I had become completely exhausted with work and my feet/ankles were the same size as my thighs from all of the walking.  Alan and I even had to go to Payless to buy me shoes 2 sizes bigger than what I normally wear due to the swelling.  Friday, March 9 I returned to work, had some lunch on the grounds with Alan, Gary and Linda, and then wrapped up in the office and said my goodbye's to my co-workers.  That night was pure misery.  I had never been so sore, so uncomfortable, so listless.  I was so greatful the next day was THE day.

Just as my doctor had told me, at 5AM we received a phone call from the hospital.  "When can you be here?"  I said "in 1 hour."  Alan called his parents, I called mine, we jumped in the shower, loaded the car and drove the 2 miles down the street to the hospital.  Within the hour of arriving, I was checked in, changed into a gown and they had started a petocin drip.  I became a little panicky.  I remembered thinking, aren't we missing a step?  Is this really happening right now?  Already????  It was true....except for the "already" part.

I began with my first nurse, Melissa.  She got me all settled in and then at 7AM, Hannah, the next nurse arrived.  I must admit I was a little nervous because she was so young (Aggie class of '08...oy) but she did a great job.  After speaking to my mom, she had planned to sleep until about 8am, then come to the hospital.  At 8 am she walked in the room.  Her answer was she could not sleep.  I was glad she was there even though she couldn't do a thing for the fear of the unknown I was feeling.  Gary and Linda arrived shortly there after.  I was beginning to feel a little more uncomfortable but Hannah assured me I really needed to be FEELING the contractions before we went for the epidural.  Around 10 or 11 my spitfire OB arrived and asked why I had not yet gotten an epidural. ??????  WEll if that is an option, let's do it!  Everyone cleared the room but me, Hannah, and the guy giving the epidural.  He asked "is this your first time?"  Which I responded, "yes, is it yours????"  He smiled and the actual injection wasn't as terrible as I thought it might be.

The rest of the day was a waiting game.  Kayla and Travis arrived, my Dad and Lexi.  I spent the rest of the day sleeping, eating popsicles and getting checked every 3 hours.  Blaine, Jaime and Katie arrived later that evening, a new nurse arrived for her shift at 7PM and at 8PM, it was time to push.  (I was secretly hoping to have a few more hours of rest because I had not slept that well since before I was pregnant.)
It was time!  In the room stood Alan, the nurse and Dr. Leeds-Richter (my spitfire OB as I mentioned before.)  She had told me that a new mother earlier that week had taken 4 hours of pushing to deliver her baby, so it could take a little while.  As the words came out of her mouth, I decided I was NOT going to be that girl.  As I pushed, I could tell things were going a little quicker than expected.  My doc hurried to scrub up and get her gown on while my nurse kept telling me not to push while she and Alan looked at each other like this kid could fall on the floor at any second.  The doc was ready to go again as a team of what seemed like 10 entered the room.  I pushed 3 more times and at 8:42PM I saw his face for the first time.  He sat on my chest for about 30 seconds before the TCH heart team took him away to check him out.  I had a feeling of sheer shock more than anything.  I had just had a baby and after all of this time, I got to see his sweet little swollen face and hear his quiet little cry for the first time.  Unbelievable. 

He was cleared by the grace of God by the heart team, and we had a perfect little boy.  I held him while all our sweet family and friends entered and got to see him for the first time.  What a surreal moment.  Everyone was exhausted and overjoyed.

We were finally to our room in postpardom and I was so tired.  I think we finally got settled in and everyone had gone home by midnight.  Alan looked at me and said "how do we get our baby?"  I knew he was in the nursery and I felt soooo tired but I wanted to see him again also so we called the nurse and she wheeled him in.  I remember just staring at him for the longest time.  I wanted to inspect every inch of him and just take him all in.  Alan and I both just took turns holding him and staring at his face.  It's true what they say, you never knew you could love someone that much.  After about an hour and a half, Tate had gotten all he wanted of being handled and passed back and forth so we let him go back to the nursery to get some sleep for all of our sakes.

And since this date, my life has forever, unbelievably, and joyously changed.   3-10-12 /8 lbs 15oz