Cash

Today I read a blog post that I have followed for some time and the emotion was overwhelming.

Many years ago I spent some time in Bandera, TX.  I can say I had many fun times there and met some people that are still my friends today.  One couple I happened to meet I had not heard from in years.  They were the fun bunch.  A young couple with a sweet little daughter and a big dream of restoration for a local establishment called the Cabaret.  I had many fun nights in that old honky tonk and saw countless shows and made countless memories.  We all scattered from that little hill country town and within the last year I had reconnected with them on facebook. Like most fb connections, I have kept up with their lives through the internet.

I noticed last October Kimberly had posted she was pregnant and it was a BOY!  She was due a month or so before me but it was pretty close to the time we would be looking for our Tate.  Halloween came and shortly after I noticed their son had been born.  He weighed less than 1 pound as was at the 23 week mark when he made his first appearance into the world.  His dad Matthew started a blog, and as it usually does, struck a chord with me...today especially hard.

BLOG - My Son Will Keep Shining
Entry -My Wife/His Mother
http://prayersforcash.blogspot.com/2012/09/my-wifehis-mother.html


I think one of the biggest parts of the connection I felt when reading was when Matthew talks about Kimberly being upset that Cash seemed absent on their walk.  I know the feeling of trying to capture every moment of your child when you're with them and a working parent, or someone that just cannot be there all of the time for them.  I cried on the way to work yesterday when I realized I had run out the house so quickly that morning for an appointment that I had not gone to kiss my son goodbye in his crib.  I also knew because of a late night meeting, he would probably be asleep again when I got home.  I knew exactly what Kimberly was feeling...but did I???? 

Of course not.  I know as a mother of a baby son how many times I wake in the night to look at the video monitor to be sure I can see his back raise up and down to be sure he is still breathing.  If I can't really see his position in the crib very well from the monitor, I go to the room to be sure he hasn't wedged himself in a corner, or wrapped himself too tightly in the blanket.  When he plays I constantly worry about sharp edges on the book, or his ability to sit up and not bonk his head.  When I think about all of these things, I know it is the general worries of a mother.  I do not know the worries of a mother with a child with CP.  I do not know what she is feeling.  I do not know what it is like to have the worries and concerns that I have amplified to the power of thirty...or more.

What a blessing it is for Cashton Wyatt to have these folks for parents. 

Lord,
I ask that you watch over this little boy and his family.  I will keep in the faith in YOU and YOUR plans for them.  Please watch over my family as well, and let us not take forgranted all YOU have provided for us.  -Amen

I try very hard not to wonder WHY.  I just stated i would have faith.  I do.  Yet I'm human, and I lay in bed at night and wonder why some are sick. Why can't Kayla and Travis conceive a baby they so desperately want?  Why was I given a healthy son and Matthew and Kimberly will forever fight the battles of CP with their baby? 

I find some rest in the fact that this is not my gig to plan.  He knows the answers and that is all I need to know.  When I read "My Son will Keep Shining" I see the endurance of a family of FAITH.  It inspires me to reach out further to HIM, hold my baby and not take for granted any day given to us, and to realize the miracle that every child truly is.

Tater Trip

SO glad to have the Tater back!  After 4 days, and 4 days only at the new school, he was sick.  A trip to the doctor on Friday and we knew he was not going to be feeling well for a while.  He is not able to go back there with fever (nor did we want him to go back to daycare if he wasn't feeling well.)  We knew our options were limited as to Alan and I taking off any more time for work.  We opted to send him off.  That's right.  I agreed (I think even suggested) he go stay with LinLin and G-Pops.  THey are 3.5 hours away and would be there for the entire week!  I just wanted him to be in a place where he could relax and feel better.  I knew that would happen at their house but it meant I would not see him for 4 whole days!  But, they were willing and waiting for him and I made it through it.  So did he, and came back feeling better and a tiny bit spoiled.  What are they for, right?  I'm just so glad he is so loved and that we have that back-up plan as an option.
Chillin with G-Pops

We even got in a game of bInGo while he was away!

And LinLin and Lexi kept him stylish

It was back to school this morning.  Hopefully he is on the mend and accustom to all the new baby germs! 

As promised...

the first day of school pic

First Day of School

July 9th is not the normal time of year you will hear those words, but today was Tate's first day of "school" at Grace Crossing Academy.  I took him to visit and meet some teachers on Friday (more for myself than him) and had a good chat with one of the ladies he will be with daily.  I would like to think I did very well this morning.  I was prepared and packed everything the night before.  I left the house on time, and dropped my child off with 2 strangers and never cried.  One thing I did forget to do was snap a photo when I left him.  I have requested his father do that when he picks him up so we do have an official "first day of school" photo.  It is now 9:35AM and I am MAKING myself wait until noon before I call and check on him.  I know, I know...he is fine.  But as I have said before, I am the loony-lady-mama I never thought I would be.
This past week was the 4th of July holiday and I was able to spend a whole 5 days at home!  It was fabulous.  I got caught up on some cleaning, chores in the barn (actually gutted the thing and cleaned it out with some help from Alan), shopping, sold the dead riding lawn mower, hanging out a the pool with family and friends, birthday dinner with my Mama (today is actually her bday), some fireworks, and a whole 5 days with the Tater.  IT was great, I was glad to have it, but certainly could have used 5 more. 

I didn't think it would be this hard.

I really had no idea how hard it would be to leave my child.  You don't really think about it when you're pregnant because you haven't yet seen their face.  All you know is your own life, how you've lived it, and how you THINK you will continue to live it.  I honestly believed I would have a baby, and be ready to go back to my routine of job, home, horses, concerts, sporting events, and whatever else I felt like doing.  It didn't even register for me after he was born how hard it would be to leave him.  All you can think of is how long your little staycation will be and all of this time you have to do all of these little projects you have always wanted to start or finish.
Then it hit me.  Mid May it really hit me that I would have to find someone to trust and care for this baby I had come to know so well.  I'm the one with him all of the time.  I know all of his quirks.  I can usually pin point the reason for a cry.  I know how he likes to lay when he eats.  I know he likes to be held tight and rocked at a fast pace.  I know he sleeps better with a cotton blanket rather than something fleece. (The child sweats like his father unless it's at a steady 68 degrees or cooler in our house.)  I know he usually has a bowel movement mid afternoon and that each feeding's formula has to be switched out as to not make his stomache upset.  I know that if I want to have a conversation with him, he is most inclined to talk with me in the middle of a diaper change.  All of these things (including many more) made me feel like no one is going to be able to do things the way I do.
I struggled terribly while looking for someone that may be able to come to our house and keep him.  All sitters were WAY too expensive.  There was no way Alan and I could pay $2000/month for someone to come to our home.  Not to mention, the people I had talked to were strangers to me.  Would they be nice to him?  Would they console him when he was upset, or lay on the couch until the next commercial and then give him some attention?  Would they leave with him and never come back?  Should I take their keys every day when I left??? LOL, yes I laugh now, but these were actually the things going through my head.  I wAs CrAzY!  And giving myself an ulcer to boot.
As we approached the date of my return to work, I found myself sitting and thinking "what can I do from home so I don't have to go back to work?"  I can't sew, or create web sites, or make sales calls.  After much discussion with Alan, the brutal truth was I had to do it.  I had to go back.
After a hurried search and much help from friends, we finally found a college girl that I had known all of my life to stay with him to mid summer.  Then, back to square one in the search for dependable care.  After much prayer, I finally got a call from Grace Crossing Academy that they had room for him.  I was so elated to know he was going to be in good hands.  It is still out of home day care, but it has turned out to be the best I have found and feel comfortable leaving him there.  He starts in July and I pray he feels just as content as I feel leaving him there.
The whole point of this entry is that I really never thought I would have any of these feelings or worries.  I always thought the women were stupid that mentioned they cried when their baby received their first round of shots.  When that day came for me, I was holding back the tears as I drove him home and called Alan to bring home some baby Tylenol.  I'm one of those stupid women.  As an adult pre Tate, I never knew I could hurt, worry, and be totally consumed with a kiddo the way I am now.  I rush home to see him everyday.  My old running buddies at work don't even invite me to happy hour anymore because they know all I want to do is go home and hold my baby.  Who knew I would ever pass up a Lone Star Light, a juke box and some good friends for rush hour traffic just so I could get 30 more minutes in my day with a 3 month old?!
I do believe as time goes on and my life gets back to a routine it will be easier. I know he is in good hands.  I know I'm not the only one that "knows how to do it."  I know to quote my mother, "it's harder on the mama than it is on the baby."  But I also know he has changed my life forever and I just want to be there for every moment to soak it all up.

March 10, 2012

This date forever changed my life, my thinking, my love, my outlook.  Tate Anderson Bass was born. 

Now since it has obviously been a while since I have updated my blog, let me fill in the blanks:

The last time I had seen my docotor she told me she thought I would not make it to my due date of March 11.  I was excited to hear that because I had been told he was healthy and I was so anxious to finally see him.  So, the anticipation began.  I continued to work and my normal routine.  As it was time for the rodeo to kick off, I was working really late hours and some weekends.  The morning of February 19, I got up early to go to Reliant Center to coordinate a School Art contest.  I secretly packed an overnight bag in hopes I would go into labor and have him on that day so that he might share a birthday with my Papaw.  It didn't work out that way.

I pressed on and got all of my display areas set up for the rodeo.  I even got on a forklift once or twice while we prepared to open.  I packed my things and moved into the hotel room that was the same distance from Reliant Stadium as it was from Texas Womens Hospital where I was due to deliver.  I made it through intern orientation, numerous horticulture contests, the school art awards ceremony, Ag4U Day, and the Floriculture Face Off.  All of which required countless hours of work and time.  But I could see the light at the end of the tunnel as my doctor had planned to induce labor on March 10.  I still hoped something would happen before then.

Alan's parents came to Houston on March 8.  It was good to visit with them and have some dinner away from the Show grounds as I had become completely exhausted with work and my feet/ankles were the same size as my thighs from all of the walking.  Alan and I even had to go to Payless to buy me shoes 2 sizes bigger than what I normally wear due to the swelling.  Friday, March 9 I returned to work, had some lunch on the grounds with Alan, Gary and Linda, and then wrapped up in the office and said my goodbye's to my co-workers.  That night was pure misery.  I had never been so sore, so uncomfortable, so listless.  I was so greatful the next day was THE day.

Just as my doctor had told me, at 5AM we received a phone call from the hospital.  "When can you be here?"  I said "in 1 hour."  Alan called his parents, I called mine, we jumped in the shower, loaded the car and drove the 2 miles down the street to the hospital.  Within the hour of arriving, I was checked in, changed into a gown and they had started a petocin drip.  I became a little panicky.  I remembered thinking, aren't we missing a step?  Is this really happening right now?  Already????  It was true....except for the "already" part.

I began with my first nurse, Melissa.  She got me all settled in and then at 7AM, Hannah, the next nurse arrived.  I must admit I was a little nervous because she was so young (Aggie class of '08...oy) but she did a great job.  After speaking to my mom, she had planned to sleep until about 8am, then come to the hospital.  At 8 am she walked in the room.  Her answer was she could not sleep.  I was glad she was there even though she couldn't do a thing for the fear of the unknown I was feeling.  Gary and Linda arrived shortly there after.  I was beginning to feel a little more uncomfortable but Hannah assured me I really needed to be FEELING the contractions before we went for the epidural.  Around 10 or 11 my spitfire OB arrived and asked why I had not yet gotten an epidural. ??????  WEll if that is an option, let's do it!  Everyone cleared the room but me, Hannah, and the guy giving the epidural.  He asked "is this your first time?"  Which I responded, "yes, is it yours????"  He smiled and the actual injection wasn't as terrible as I thought it might be.

The rest of the day was a waiting game.  Kayla and Travis arrived, my Dad and Lexi.  I spent the rest of the day sleeping, eating popsicles and getting checked every 3 hours.  Blaine, Jaime and Katie arrived later that evening, a new nurse arrived for her shift at 7PM and at 8PM, it was time to push.  (I was secretly hoping to have a few more hours of rest because I had not slept that well since before I was pregnant.)
It was time!  In the room stood Alan, the nurse and Dr. Leeds-Richter (my spitfire OB as I mentioned before.)  She had told me that a new mother earlier that week had taken 4 hours of pushing to deliver her baby, so it could take a little while.  As the words came out of her mouth, I decided I was NOT going to be that girl.  As I pushed, I could tell things were going a little quicker than expected.  My doc hurried to scrub up and get her gown on while my nurse kept telling me not to push while she and Alan looked at each other like this kid could fall on the floor at any second.  The doc was ready to go again as a team of what seemed like 10 entered the room.  I pushed 3 more times and at 8:42PM I saw his face for the first time.  He sat on my chest for about 30 seconds before the TCH heart team took him away to check him out.  I had a feeling of sheer shock more than anything.  I had just had a baby and after all of this time, I got to see his sweet little swollen face and hear his quiet little cry for the first time.  Unbelievable. 

He was cleared by the grace of God by the heart team, and we had a perfect little boy.  I held him while all our sweet family and friends entered and got to see him for the first time.  What a surreal moment.  Everyone was exhausted and overjoyed.

We were finally to our room in postpardom and I was so tired.  I think we finally got settled in and everyone had gone home by midnight.  Alan looked at me and said "how do we get our baby?"  I knew he was in the nursery and I felt soooo tired but I wanted to see him again also so we called the nurse and she wheeled him in.  I remember just staring at him for the longest time.  I wanted to inspect every inch of him and just take him all in.  Alan and I both just took turns holding him and staring at his face.  It's true what they say, you never knew you could love someone that much.  After about an hour and a half, Tate had gotten all he wanted of being handled and passed back and forth so we let him go back to the nursery to get some sleep for all of our sakes.

And since this date, my life has forever, unbelievably, and joyously changed.   3-10-12 /8 lbs 15oz

So Much

I truly do have "so much" to be thankful for.  I quoted those words because Alan and I say that to each other rather than "I love you" or "have a good day."  It's just kind of our thing, but it makes me remember there is "so much" to be thankful for around me every day.
After my last blog of kind of whining and feeling pitiful and sorry for myself about the aches and pains that come with being a pregnant gal, I went home that night and started to read my Daily Guidepost from a book my mother gave me for Christmas.  There it was, dated January 30.  I would like to share:

MON - JAN 30

A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. -----John 16:21

A friend of mine shows me his brand new son, all of 2 days old, the size of a loaf of bread, his father looking like he's been sleeping in the woods for a week.  I accept the infant gingerly as my friend shuffles off to make coffee.  The kid weighs half of nothing, and he is sound alseep and drooling on my best shirt, which makes me unaccountably happy.
Do we ever salute and acknowledge and celebrate miracles enough?  I watch the kid breathe; his chest is about the size of a sparrow, but it keeps inhaling and exhaling---miracle.  His fingernails are the size of the letters in this sentence---miracle.  I remember twice being in the hospital watching tiny people emerge from my wife and sobbing for any number of reasons, one being sheer astonishment at the perfect, moist, glistening beauty of those tiny miracles.
Do we ever acknowledge that every breath we draw and word we speak is a miracle?  Hardly.  Birds, bread, kindness, rain, the dawn that came again today, the silver river of drool filling the pocket of my best black shirt---miracles.  Maybe there are too many miracles to sing properly; maybe we would never do anything but gape in awe and mumble, "Oh, bless me, thank YOU, thank YOU," if we were really attentive and respectful to the ocean of miracles.  But once in a while we should pause and bow, perhaps with a dish towel over one shoulder in case of miraculous rivers.

Dear Lord: Listen, this whole idea of infinitesimal new people emerging from people we love---very cool invention.  Your creativity is astonishing all around, but this tiny-new-being-emerging-from-older-amazing-being-thing---that is just deft.
-----------Brian Doyle

I absolutely love this entry.  It has been my favorite since I started the book.  Of course I felt like it was speaking directly to me.  What an eye opening entry about exactly what was going on in my life and a real slap in the face as to how blessed I am.  As if that was not enough I had a second doctor vistit.

The last 2 times I had heard my little boy's heart beat on the doppler I had thought it sounded odd.  Irregular noises and beats.  Not the normal crazy active baby sounds I have heard in the past.  Irregular, quick then slow beats of his heart.  A tech heard it, a nurse heard it, then my doctor heard it.  She ordered that in my last ultrasound they take a closer look at his heart.  This of course worried me.  At the ultrasound, we all saw his irregular heartbeat on the screen.  Then suddenly, no abnormality to it at all.  For 10 minutes we watched.  Nothing.  Was this the work of Tricky Ricky again?????  Surely a fetus cannot control his own heart rate and think he's being funny.  This doctor called the heart rate normal and I went back to my OB doctor.  20 minutes after the ultrasound, a funky sounding irregular heart rate on the doppler again.  This time, I was sent to Texas Children's Hospital for another look.  Those were really scary words as kids that are there are sick.  I worried and was told not to worry, and worried some more.
Blessing surrounded me again on that day.  Premature atrial contractions were what the TCH doctor called the different skips/pauses in his heart rate.  This is easily monitored and normally goes aways after the baby is born---miracles.
I have so much to be thankful for and had so many blessings given to me that I do feel like I should be standing around "gaping in awe."  So Much to thank the Lord for!  So Much to be appreciative of!

As I sit here 1cm dilated and 80% efaced (yes that is what I was told this morning in my doctor's visit AND that she did not think I would make it to my due date of March 11) I have SO MUCH to be thankful for and and am SO anxious to see this little boy!

I Can Do This

It's not like I really have an option here, but those are the words I repeat to myself daily following my little prayer.
I am 6 weeks away from my delivery date and I really thought I was going to be tougher than this.  I thought I would live my life until it was time to deliver this baby with no hiccups, no insomnia, no miserably sore back, no swelling, no exhaustion, no shortness of breath, no set backs from my daily life.  HA!  I seriously was that naive/had that much of a Super Woman ego.
Turns out I'm just a human.  I have been all of those things and most recently, all of those things at the same time.  My work outs have become minimal (last week was told to stop them completely) and my sleep patterns have gotten more strange than ever.  Last week I had to go home early due to dizziness and just plain old tiredness.  There are worse things in pregnancy.  I have heard of them.  I guess I just thought I would be immune.  Pregnancy for the win.
This week i am very excited to go back to the doctor.  I have not seen this little boy since November and I get my chance again on Thursday. A fellow mother-to-be informed me in the waiting area this last visit that they will do the 4D ultra sound this time.  Might I get to see his FACE?!  So exciting!
Until then I will push through, and after that I will do the same.  THe next major feat will be move-in for the rodeo.  That's right, we take over the complex 2 weeks from today.  THat may be so adventure filled I will forget all about my general aches/ailments until he is born...I'm sure that will be another "HA" in the face.

I will now stop with the petty complaints every woman goes through to see their little miracle.
I remember how blessed I am to have these ailments/discomforts and I can see the finish line!

Nesting

I looked it up:

In rodents and lagomorphs, the nesting instinct is typically characterized by the urge to seek the lowest sheltered spot available; this is where these mammals give birth. Female dogs may show signs of nesting behavior shortly before their due date^[3] that include pacing and building a nest with items from around the house such as blankets, clothing, and stuffed animals.

I don't do this...well I guess I kind of do.  The stuffed animal and blanket part.  I am gathering those into one room. 

My definition of nesting:  not being able to sleep.  Alan even refers to my insomnia as "nesting."  Around 11:30 every night, after an episode of The Office, and after I have kicked my leg for an hour or so (restless leg syndrome that I have ALWAYS had a mild case of that has been relentless throughout my pregnancy (thanks Ford for that pass down)) I get up and start looking for projects.  When I get up, Alan will sleepily look at me and ask, "you headed out to do some nesting?"  "UGH, yes.  I just want to sleep but I will see ya later."

What did I do last night?  Oh, yes.  Because we have taken down all the Christmas decor, all the dishes are clean, I have cleaned the bathroom twice in the last week, all the painting is done, the floors are clean, the laundry is minimal, and I have everything in the Baby Bass room that I own that is baby related to this point, I had to get creative.  Alan's mother gave me some of his baby clothes.  I busted out my iron last night and ironed them.  Yeah, pregnancy makes you do crazy things.  I bought these hooks the other day I had seen at IKEA that are in the shape of puppy tails.  I nailed the hooks to the wall as Alan tried to sleep, then hung his clothes on display in the room.  What will I think of tonight?  I still need to finish painting the closet door and re-hang that.  That is an option.  BUT, I am thinking since I pay for a membership to a place called 24 Hour fitness, maybe I could just go get on the treadmilll when I feel the need to "nest"????

If my late night nesting is as bad as this pregnancy gets, I will certainly take it!  I have heard some horror stories.  I even know a lady that has LOST 30 pounds since she became pregnant because of her constant nausea.  No bueno.  I'm thankful to have such minimal side effects as a kicky leg, an extra 35 pounds (cough-or-maybe-more-cough) and some listless nights.  AnD if I must touch on the weight gain for a moment, I will.  Let's face it folks, pregnancy does not make you fat.  What you're shoving in your mouth makes you fat.  I have LOveD using pregnancy as an excuse to eat the following: PANCAKES, tons-o-cereal, orange juice, ice cream, and my oh-so-loved chocolate chip cookie.  Now that the holidays are over, it is easier to get more focused on cutting the junk and finishing up "cooking" Baby Bass with EXTRA leafy greens and cardio.  I plan to finish strong! 

THese are the ramblings of a nester who is in peak work/rodeo time and peak gestation mode.  The Lord knew I could handle this, that's why He handed it to me.  I'm so thankful for this prepped body and mind He has given me and I can't wait to see what this wild little kid looks like!  10 more weeks and thankful for every minute of it.  Happy sleeping folks, maybe one day I will get to join you :)