I didn't think it would be this hard.

I really had no idea how hard it would be to leave my child.  You don't really think about it when you're pregnant because you haven't yet seen their face.  All you know is your own life, how you've lived it, and how you THINK you will continue to live it.  I honestly believed I would have a baby, and be ready to go back to my routine of job, home, horses, concerts, sporting events, and whatever else I felt like doing.  It didn't even register for me after he was born how hard it would be to leave him.  All you can think of is how long your little staycation will be and all of this time you have to do all of these little projects you have always wanted to start or finish.
Then it hit me.  Mid May it really hit me that I would have to find someone to trust and care for this baby I had come to know so well.  I'm the one with him all of the time.  I know all of his quirks.  I can usually pin point the reason for a cry.  I know how he likes to lay when he eats.  I know he likes to be held tight and rocked at a fast pace.  I know he sleeps better with a cotton blanket rather than something fleece. (The child sweats like his father unless it's at a steady 68 degrees or cooler in our house.)  I know he usually has a bowel movement mid afternoon and that each feeding's formula has to be switched out as to not make his stomache upset.  I know that if I want to have a conversation with him, he is most inclined to talk with me in the middle of a diaper change.  All of these things (including many more) made me feel like no one is going to be able to do things the way I do.
I struggled terribly while looking for someone that may be able to come to our house and keep him.  All sitters were WAY too expensive.  There was no way Alan and I could pay $2000/month for someone to come to our home.  Not to mention, the people I had talked to were strangers to me.  Would they be nice to him?  Would they console him when he was upset, or lay on the couch until the next commercial and then give him some attention?  Would they leave with him and never come back?  Should I take their keys every day when I left??? LOL, yes I laugh now, but these were actually the things going through my head.  I wAs CrAzY!  And giving myself an ulcer to boot.
As we approached the date of my return to work, I found myself sitting and thinking "what can I do from home so I don't have to go back to work?"  I can't sew, or create web sites, or make sales calls.  After much discussion with Alan, the brutal truth was I had to do it.  I had to go back.
After a hurried search and much help from friends, we finally found a college girl that I had known all of my life to stay with him to mid summer.  Then, back to square one in the search for dependable care.  After much prayer, I finally got a call from Grace Crossing Academy that they had room for him.  I was so elated to know he was going to be in good hands.  It is still out of home day care, but it has turned out to be the best I have found and feel comfortable leaving him there.  He starts in July and I pray he feels just as content as I feel leaving him there.
The whole point of this entry is that I really never thought I would have any of these feelings or worries.  I always thought the women were stupid that mentioned they cried when their baby received their first round of shots.  When that day came for me, I was holding back the tears as I drove him home and called Alan to bring home some baby Tylenol.  I'm one of those stupid women.  As an adult pre Tate, I never knew I could hurt, worry, and be totally consumed with a kiddo the way I am now.  I rush home to see him everyday.  My old running buddies at work don't even invite me to happy hour anymore because they know all I want to do is go home and hold my baby.  Who knew I would ever pass up a Lone Star Light, a juke box and some good friends for rush hour traffic just so I could get 30 more minutes in my day with a 3 month old?!
I do believe as time goes on and my life gets back to a routine it will be easier. I know he is in good hands.  I know I'm not the only one that "knows how to do it."  I know to quote my mother, "it's harder on the mama than it is on the baby."  But I also know he has changed my life forever and I just want to be there for every moment to soak it all up.